Jake and Michael reconnected for dinner at Michael’s home, they hadn’t seen each other since high school graduation 20 years ago. Michael gave him a tour of his beautiful estate showing him his cars, boat, guest house, and the private beach behind his home. Michael said his business took off, and unfortunately his marriage began to fail, so he left his wife and kids years ago with little contact. Michael asked Jake about his life. Jake took out an old wallet, pulling out a picture of his family, he said to Michael, this is my wealth. He explained how he always prayed for a family and for his kid’s future. He shared the sacrifices he made as a father to leave a legacy of faith in his children.

Like Jake in the story, we have to be focused on the legacy we leave in our kids, not just what we leave for them.

Just because you live in the same home as your kids, it doesn't mean you’re active in their lives. Fathers like Michael have become too common, and this behavior destroys families. Absenteeism or a father in the home not being who God has called them to be are problematic for families. 

Statistics show that kids without fathers disproportionately commit crimes, go to jail, drop out of school, live in poverty, have emotional challenges, and become absentee fathers themselves.

Are you an active father or an absentee father?

What problems exist when fathers are in the home but not following God?

In Colossians 3:21 it states, “fathers do not embitter your children or they will become discouraged”. How do fathers in the home embitter their kids?

The following is a short list:

Yelling, intimidation, or belittling them.

Placing demands on them without loving instruction as to why.

Abuse.

Mistreatment of the mother or siblings.

Spending little or no quality time with them.

Failing to give direction and uplift them.

Failing to take an interest in them.

Knowing you can do more for your kids but settle for less.

One day I was working out of town, singing and worshiping God on my drive home from the office. God revealed to me the position of the father is the first representation of God a kid will see. In many cases the way a kid responds to his father will have an impact on his relationship with God. By failing to be the father God has called us to be, we also can hinder the spiritual growth of our children. Whatever your past experience with your father you can be the father God is calling you to be. We must fight for the future of our kids and the legacy we leave in them.

As men we have all fallen short in one or more of these areas. The real question is, what does it take to be the father that God has called us to be? Secondly, what are we going to do about it?

We often have our own plans on how to parent and run our household, however we must remember, psalms 127:1, “except the Lord build the house, they labor in vain to build it: except the Lord keep the city, the watchman waketh in vain”.

How can we recover from areas where we have failed in the past as a father?

No matter if you are starting from zero as a bad father or you have some good things going in your family, these next few steps will help you bridge the gap to be the father God is calling you to be.

There are several steps to this process:

The journey

The BAR test

The family meeting

Expectations

Being Intentional

THE JOURNEY

To be the father God is calling us to be, we have to start with our personal journey with God. Have you accepted Christ as your Lord and Savior. You may see HIM as Savior but not Lord over every area of your life. If he is not Lord over your life, pray and tell God you are releasing control and submitting your life to him to make any changes he deems necessary.

Seeking God is the first step. Take one week to fast, meditate, and pray to God. Include bible reading during the week. I believe as you begin to pray today the Holy Spirit will reveal what your week should look like. Dedicate time to be alone with God and expect him to speak to you.

THE BAR TEST

The next step is implementing the BAR Test. The BAR Test is taking an inventory and writing down the beliefs, actions, and routines that do not honor God in our family. Once we have this written down we do what I call raising the bar. People use this term commonly to elevate the level something is operating at to make it better. In this case we are raising our current BAR which are beliefs, actions, routines to God. When we raise the BAR we ask ourselves what new beliefs, actions, and routines do we need to honor God. Once we create this list we move to the next step, which is the family meeting.

THE FAMILY MEETING

Now that we have completed the BAR Test, and raised the BAR we schedule a family meeting where we will share this information.

In Ephesians 6:4 it states, “fathers do not exasperate your children: instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord”.

The family meeting is used to set a game plan and the direction of your family. It should not be an overtly negative time where the kids are absolutely dreading what's happening next.

You set it at a time when everyone is available for at least 15 - 30 minutes. Make sure that you and your wife have discussed the purpose and elements of the family meeting for that day.

Your family meeting will consist of the following:

First meeting should explain that you want the best for your family's future.

Start going over the written items on the BAR test.

Address WHY this behavior is bad and where it will lead.

(It may be good to explain that you have failed in this area but are making the change as well since it is your responsibility to lead your family)

Go over the new BAR, and the benefits.

Acknowledge that the changes will be difficult. Reinforce the reason WHY this change is needed and the benefits.

Try to always start and end your meetings on a positive note.

(Compliment each kid on a great quality they have. Speak life over your children. Get some ideas for kids on what would be great rewards for good behavior)

End in prayer and or a short devotional that illustrates what was discussed.

For example in our family we have young kids ages 8,6, and 4 and we have a few goals we try to accomplish. Many times the main purpose for our family meeting is to address behavior and reset the expectations and game plan for our family.

I actually took a break while creating this lesson to have a family meeting.

We started the meeting by thanking God that we are together and that I am no longer working out of state. My wife led a couple of worship songs, prayed, and I shared how we are going to raise the bar concerning listening and following instruction. I shared a little story about the importance of following instructions. Next we asked several questions about the ten commandments and ended our meeting with memorizing a new expectation and putting it up on our board making it visible. The new expectation is, “love God above everything else, and love your neighbor as yourself”.

Don’t worry if your first meeting is a little rocky. There has been a pattern of activity for years in your home and to expect complete and immediate change is unreasonable. It will take time, however, you as the father must be patient and stay committed to get the results you want. After you complete your first family meeting we move onto the next phase which is setting the expectation.

THE SETTING OF EXPECTATIONS

Now that we have had the family meeting and shared the results of raising the BAR, we need to give our kids written expectations that they sign as an agreement. This agreement should list the items expected from the raising the BAR list, consequences for not following the list, and rewards for when the instructions are followed.

This agreement should be posted where it is visible and seen daily by the kids. The agreements I created for my kids are placed on the refrigerator. On occasion we review the agreements. Their agreement has a list of chores for which they receive pay. The expectations are clear actions to follow.

Proverbs 22:6 states,”Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it”.

2 years ago I started setting and enforcing the expectations I set with our kids. I spoke with my wife who initially thought some of my methods were rigid but agreed. Since we started there has been a dramatic change in their behavior and attitude. For most days, every hour of the day for our kids was scheduled from reading, chores, snacks, and free time. Soon we found that the kids were able to look at the schedule and determine what they needed to be doing. They began to take ownership of their activities. Because we had a mandatory 2 hour reading time everyday the following semester they excelled in school.

Setting expectations for your kids will change the dynamic of your household.

BEING INTENTIONAL

Being intentional is a lifetime commitment to your children. Quality time can look very different based upon the kid. My oldest son likes to play the game Monopoly with me while my youngest son would prefer to wrestle. The common denominator to both kids is the fact that we are spending quality time doing something they love.

Personally, the things I remember and appreciate the most looking back with my father are the small things he did that I enjoyed.

What are the fondest memories you have of your father?

What memories do you want to have when they think about your relationship with them?

Commit to finding out the interests of your kids and spend quality time developing your relationship. Take time regularly to tell your kids that you love them and why you think they are amazing. Continue to find ways to encourage them in their interests and to follow Godly principles. Good fathers are consistent and good kids typically have good fathers.

As a father I want my kids to grow up to be independent, hard working, curious, and love God. You have dreams, goals and aspirations for your kids and want them to succeed. One of the best things you can do as a parent is to create a firm foundation for their relationship with God and be consistent with the steps above.

Take aways

1. Just because you live in the same home as your kids, it doesn't mean you are active in their lives

2. To be the father God is calling us to be, we have to start with our personal journey with God.

HOMEWORK

1. Complete the 5 steps above and lead your first family meeting and create agreements to manage the expectations set forth. If you are consistent with this step, it will pay dividends for the rest of your kids' lives.

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