Imagine having a medical emergency where the outcome may be fatal. You’re alone, and unable to drive, so you call 911. They immediately transfer you to a doctor. The doctor hearing what happened says, “don’t worry you can handle this at home, I will tell you what to do, all you need is a knife for the surgery”.

Although you have a knife you are keenly aware that you don’t know how to do the surgery on yourself.This story illustrates that knowing what to do, and how to do it, are two different things.

Concerning relationship advice, people will tell you what to do. They will say, you need to communicate, love each other, and work hard, which sounds good, however, the “how to” part is never explained. So, this advice, although helpful, leaves you without a real solution.

Now, let me ask you a question.

I want to share with you a step by step “how to” strategy to get your relationship unstuck. I call it, The “Fight Plan for your MARRIAGE”. It will help you bridge the gap from where you are now to where you want to be.

Hi, I’m Dr. Telford Ammons, I am the founder of Fight Plan, I have a Masters Degree in Christian Counseling, and doctorate in Theology. and help people transform their marriages by walking in their God given purpose.

I am personally passionate about transforming marriages because I have experienced the fallout from divorce. I lived in a constant state of brokenness. I was angry, hurt, insecure, and I had a heaviness that spilled into every area of my life. I was at my dream job yet unfulfilled at work, I was a homebody, but I didn’t want to be home with my spouse, and most importantly I felt far from God.

When the relationship ended I found it difficult to reconcile the fact that I had a relationship with God but still struggled in my marriage.

 Like me, maybe you’ve struggled with the same thoughts or have challenges in your relationship. Unfortunately, there is not a class in high school on relationships or how to be a Godly spouse. Most of us learn from our experiences within our families. As adults we make relationship decisions from our own perspective of how we think and feel.

The bible says he is like a roaring lion roaming to and fro seeking to steal, kill and destroy. His desire is to destroy marriages and families. Hurt people hurt people and the cycle continues and impacts individuals and affects future generations.

You are always preparing, you’re either preparing a plan, or preparing to fail.

Fast forward to today I am enjoying a happy, healthy, and Godly marriage. I went to school and gained experience to help other men learn how to lead and be the catalyst of change within their marriage. I don’t only want to tell you what to do but also how to do it.

Assuming you currently have a relationship with Jesus. I am going to share a foundational step that changed everything for me, which is also the first step in the fight plan for your marriage.

In John 1: “But as many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, to those who believe in His name..” Simply put, by becoming a follower of Christ we are now in the Kingdom of God. We often place the focus on the part of the relationship that benefits us versus what it means to be in the kingdom as a whole.

We need to have a better understanding of what the relationship is between a King and a servant. I have been guilty of this in the past of thinking of Him as my Savior but not my Lord or King.

Remember learning about the feudal system in the times of David before he was King. Looking back in history we can easily see where men were men. They farmed and hunted for their food, they worked hard, cared for their families, and lived by a code of honor. It was the expectation of what a man should be. They had an understanding of King and Kingdom. A servant would follow the Kings orders whenever given, in fact, they committed to following any order given by the King before it was given.

This relationship is a perfect example of how we as servants of God need to be as followers of God. Also as you continue to move through your Fight Plan you will realize that you will need to submit every area of your life to your Lord.

We can start with honoring the commitment we have already made to God in our wife with our marriage covenant. Reflecting upon the traditional vows of our marriage and our relationship with our spouse we need to make our own new commitment today.

To rebuild trust, establish security, and a standard for yourself you will need an Honor Code. I have researched and surveyed women to find out what the single greatest obstacle to have a phenomenal marriage. I found that women believed to get their relationship unstuck would require security, trust, love and communication. Establishing an Honor Code and keeping it will give your spouse security, and something they can look to and hold you accountable. To create the Honor Code you will have to schedule a time to talk to your spouse to create the content. The conversation in itself will create an open line of communication.

First thing is that you will need to pray for God to give you the strength to move forward and to follow through. After praying, go to your wife, smile, gently hold her hand or touch her hip (*this is optional but endearing), and say the following: Honey, I love you and want to be a better husband to you, because you deserve my best. Let’s schedule a time to talk without distractions for about 15 minutes. I will be taking notes so I want to hear your honest feedback. I will listen, and promise not to be offended or get defensive.

When you meet with your wife, at the scheduled time make sure there are no distractions or multi-tasking taking place. Remind her that you will be taking notes and that you promise not to get offended by her answers. Ask her, “what can I do better to make you feel more secure, loved, and trustworthy in our relationship”. If she states things that are general in nature or ambiguous, just ask her to be as specific as she can speaking to the exact actions you will need to do to accomplish this goal. After the conversation you should be clear on at least 3 actionable things you can start and consider referencing in your Honor Code.

Your Honor Code at a minimum will need three components.

1. Commitment to God. based upon your marriage vows.

2. Commitment to each other/ Standard of action

3. The reason why

Within any marriage God is the head. So the first commitment in your Honor Code needs to be in relation to God and very specific.

Example: I commit to using God’s word as a filter for everything I believe, say, or do. I will ask myself, will this honor God before every decision I make.

The bible calls us to lead as men and be a priest to our household. When we honor God we become honorable. When we are honorable we become an example to our family and build a strong legacy in our children.

There is no better example to follow but the life of Jesus and God’s word.

You’re going to write a commitment to your spouse for this component. Use the notes you take during your conversation with your spouse to form your commitment. I would also advise to review your wedding vows, and also read Ephesians 5:22-23. You can start with a general statement but it needs to be followed by specific actions you are taking based upon your conversation.

(In the case your spouse is unwilling to have this conversation you should have a general idea of things you need to do that is important to her.)

Example: (General statement)I commit to loving you based upon Christ's example of loving the church. (Specific Actions)I will speak to you respectfully and never raise my voice. I promise to spend 15 minutes talking with you every day, and 15 minutes helping around the house.

Here you will write the reason why you have to keep the first two commitments and what happens if you don’t. You are the leader in your house so you must understand what happens when you fail to lead.

Example: God has charged me with leading my family. If I do not honor my commitments to God, and my spouse, it will lead to a breakdown in marriage, my spouse not being able to trust me and feel secure. It will hurt our family and friends.

Your commitments can be any length that you deem necessary. Pray before you start this exercise and ask the Holy Spirit to reveal to you anything that should be added. After it’s complete you can review it with your spouse before you print it. This should be framed or posted in a high traffic area in your home where you will see it multiple times a day. Commit to reading it everyday.

This is how you begin to rebuild the foundation in your marriage.

1. Knowing what to do, and how to do it are two different things. I need to make a commitment to learn how to be the catalyst of change in my marriage. This will include a new perspective, new habits, and routines.

2. In order for Christ to be truly King, every area of your life should be submitted to Him. There are not 2 Kings in the kingdom. He is not just King in some areas of your life or some of the days of the week. Our answer must be yes to our King even before we hear the request.

3. Make a commitment today and write out your Honor Code .

 

Without commitment nothing changes