A couple went on a vacation to a foreign country looking forward to eating authentic native cuisine. When they found an approachable group of locals they asked for a recommendation. The people in the group looked at them and smiled saying a few words in the local dialect because they didn’t understand English. Becoming frustrated by not receiving an answer, the wife begins talking louder and slower hoping they would understand her. The husband seeing the locals couldn’t understand began shying away from the conversation, motioning his wife to withdraw, hoping to avoid the scene that was unfolding before him.

The story illustrates that issues can arise quickly and easily when something falls below our expectation. Do you remember the Fight versus Flight Response meaning engage or disengage from day 1? Do you see how the husband and wife approached the issue differently? The wife chose to fight by continuing to engage while the husband takes flight in this scenario and tried to disengage to avoid conflict.

In the scenario above we see that people address conflict differently.

I want to share a strategy called the Communication formula I learned from Relationship Expert Julie Wilhite. She has a counseling center in Dallas, TX and is co-founder of Relationship IQ ONLINE.

The communication formula teaches; the what, the when, and the how of communication. Let’s dive in.

When we encounter an issue or conflict that cannot be easily resolved we must do the following:

How to establish the “when” of the communication.

Tell the person we love them and don't want to react and need a little more time to process the situation.

Establish a date and time to have the conversation without distractions as a compromise. (Remember - one party may want to discuss it immediately and the other may want to avoid the conversation. Scheduling a date and time is a fair compromise. It should be within 24 hours. During this time you both should commit to praying about the conflict and resolution before it is discussed).

When dealing with conflict it is easy for tempers to flare, yelling, or one person to not let the other person speak. So it is important to use a talking stick or object. (preferably something that is small, and not sharp). During communication only one person should be talking at a time. When you are holding the talking stick you may speak, if you are not holding it you are actively listening and not just waiting for your turn to talk. When you have spoken you pass it to the other person. This should help you to not attack the other person but to talk and listen.

This conversation must take place face to face and both of you must be 100% honest. No distractions like kids, cell phones, or the television.

Now that we have learned when to schedule communication and the rules regarding our communication, let’s talk about how we need to communicate using the communication formula.

 When You - I Feel - I Want - Feedback

During your conversation you should reiterate that you want your relationship to work and that you love her.

Begin your sentence with When you. When we talk to the person we must separate them from the behavior. So when we say “when you” we address the specific action that the person does. We don’t say when you’re angry, we describe their actions that let us know they are angry that we want addressed.

For example: When you raise your voice, and you hit your hands on the table. When you slam doors, and call me names. When you stop talking to me,

The person must know specifically what actions need to be corrected. If you begin to blame the person or say they are something without describing the specific action it will lead the other person to become defensive or offended without moving toward any change in behavior.

We have to let the person know how we feel.

Important note: NEVER SAY, IT MAKES ME FEEL.

We have to own our feelings stating how we feel when the behavior is taking place. This is where we describe the exact feelings we experience during or following the bad behavior that is taking place. Here are a few examples:

When you raise your voice and hit your hand on the table,

I feel scared, embarrassed, angry, and sad.

When you raise your voice and call me names,

 I feel unloved, insecure, and worthless.

The next step is vital in the communication formula. We so often tell someone what they are doing wrong, however, we rarely tell them what we want them to do instead.

NOTE: Remember in a prior lesson that conflict in a relationship is based upon unmet expectations. This is the key to eliminating this issue.

When we tell our spouse what we want, we put them in a position to give it to us. Sometimes despite what we think they may not know what to do. Once we tell them what we want and need the ball is in their court to step up to the challenge.

We say I want, and follow the statement with our expectation of what we want to be satisfied.

When you raise your voice and hit your hand on the table,

I feel scared, embarrassed, angry, and sad.

I WANT you to speak to me in your regular voice without hitting the table.

When you yell at me in front of the kids and call me names

I feel humiliated, unloved, and worthless.

I WANT you to wait to speak with me privately to discuss problems instead of in front of the kids.

The final step in the process is called the Feedback format.

After you tell them what you want you can ask them to repeat what you just said. Their response should be what I hear you saying is that, and then they repeat what you said. Continue this process using the talking stick several times until your partner is able to repeat back what you have said. Next you allow them the opportunity to go through the communication formula using; when you, I feel, I want, and the feedback format.

(The wife is speaking here)

When you raise your voice and hit your hand on the table,

I feel scared, embarrassed, angry, and sad.

I WANT you to speak to me in your regular voice without hitting the table.

Can you repeat back to me what I just said?

(The husband's response)

So what I hear you saying is that, when I raise my voice you get upset.

(The husband passes the talking stick back)

The wife says no and starts over from the beginning.

When you raise your voice and hit your hand on the table,

I feel scared, embarrassed, angry, and sad.

I WANT you to speak to me in your regular voice without hitting the table.

Can you repeat back to me what I just said?

(The husband's response)

So what I hear you saying is that, when I raise my voice and hit the table, you feel scared embarrassed, angry, and sad. You want me to speak to you in a regular voice without hitting the table.

(passes the talking stick)

The wife receives the stick and responds yes.

The communication formula helps us to understand the dynamic of our communication, our feelings, and what needs to be changed in our relationships. It is a great tool and should be used in EVERY scheduled communication. This should be written out beforehand as to address unresolved issues and conflict. If the conversation escalates during your communication tell your spouse you love them and will need a 30 minute time out to cool off and reconvene.

Soon you will find that your conversations are more natural and you and your loved ones are able to get through conflict.

We talked about alot today so make sure that you review this information multiple times to get the communication formula correct. It will change your life.

You teach people how to treat you. Meaning, what you allow or don’t accept personally teaches others the boundaries you have and how far they can go with you in certain areas.

People deal with conflict differently. We must come to an agreement when to address the conflict, and that time must be within 24 hours.

Use the feedback format for clarity in conversations with everyone.

1. Take 3 issues or areas of conflict and write them down making one sentence for each issue. Apply the communication formula to each. If you and your spouse are in a good place, share this day with them and you both schedule a time to communicate and come with your notes. The communication formula should be read to the other person while you are communicating to make sure it is done correctly. If not in a good place do the work yourself and schedule the time to speak with them.

2. TAKE THE FP SURVEY DAY 6 - CLICK HERE